The Selflove Blog

Do you over-function?

. A perfect balance in any partnership is easier said than achieved

. Most partnerships turn resentful when one is an over functioner.

. An over functioner steps above the brief – takes on more than is needed and healthy and in the long term, burns out and renders the under functioner – useless

. Check if you volunteer to do things for others which they can do themselves, easily

. Strike a balance in your work and personal partnerships with CLEAR defined roles and expectations

. Over functioning for another person leads to mutual resentment

. Function as much as needed, not more, not less in a healthy partnership.

. Mutual respect and clarity of purpose and expectations are key to thriving partnership.

Though we all speak of balance in life and work, in reality we see so many that do not have a sense of what exactly balance is. In partnerships of any kind, where either person does not have the awareness about how much should one should contribute – we often find one over-functioning and another under-functioning.

In fact, this lack of balance often leads to mutual resentment. The risk here being that the person who over functions, burns out fast. Surprisingly, doing a lot even at the cost of self-sacrifice is celebrated by many cultures – look at how dutiful she is, look at how self-sacrificing he is – how many times have we heard of these statements as we have seen people trying  to define a person who is taking on more than his or her share of responsibility.

In any situation, someone who over-functions may come across as someone who is extremely responsible and a perfectionist – but the truth is that it often comes from an over-developed sense of duty and a certain sense of need for approval or rather fear of disapproval.

Usually, an over functioner may be dissatisfied with himself – feel chronically unhappy and surprisingly try to do even more. An over-functioning partner would sometimes unknowingly choose an under-functioning partner and then continue to resent the under-functioning partner – while himself or herself doing what they usually do- which is more than what is necessary or even healthy. So how do you know that you are an functioner?

Look at your roles in work and life – do you stick to the brief and deliver as much as you are supposed to in a relationship or in a work-role. Second – Do you try and do stuff for others which they can do for themselves? Third – If you discover that you are an over-functioner – try and understand the underlying fear that drives you to be one. Do you fear that you may lose a relationship, a friendship or even validation or praise or whatever you get from this skewed partnership? Fourth – Once you understand where your over-functioning is coming from, try and see how you have crippled the other in the equation because of your over-functioning.

For more – Listen To The Podcast.


The Selflove Blog

Can You Easily Cook For Yourself?

. Homemade food is the best kind of food there is, then why do we throng food courts?

. We all have an individual relationship with food

. How we eat and what we eat and how much we eat are all linked to how conscious we are about our body needs and health

. Overeating, starving, emotional eating, skipping meals, binge eating or drinking just reflect our emotional response to food

. Being able to cook for yourself is a great sign of selfcare and selflove

. As we work on ourselves and become more and more mindful about our needs, our eating pattern changes

. As we shift towards healthy, soul food – meals become a feat and we transform our health inside out

Why is it so difficult to cook for ourselves?

Over the last few weeks it was very interesting to see people coming out and making food posts on social media – fancy cakes, desserts, their favourite meal were all out there in pretty pictures – like a feast.

Celebrating food, especially homemade food is such a good thing. Why do we ever need to give up on the luxury of wholesome homemade food?

But that is not what this podcast is about. Here we are going to explore our personal relationship with food.

As much as I love cooking – it has been one long journey for myself to be able to fix a meal for myself cooked to suit my tastes. Its very easy to cook for others – because you do it out of love or know it will earn you appreciation – cooking for my friends personally is one of my greatest joys as it could be for so many of you.

We all have a relationships with food. Our food habits speak a lot about how much we care for ourselves. Emotional eating, skipping meals, over eating, binge drinking – if we were to understand more closely – they are all disorders in their own way.

As we increasingly get aligned with ourselves, our food habits improve and we become more choosy about what we eat – in a good way or rather we try and pick up things to eat food which is good for us.

What I however realised is most important is to be able to cook for yourself. Getting to know your own taste buds, what you relish and what you love to eat and how is a great step towards good self-nourishment.

But where do we start? Listen to the podcast:

The Selflove Blog

You Can Mother Yourself

. Motherhood comes with a whole set of expectations – can you meet them all? Of course not.

. How to walk the golden mean of being the perfect mother? Don’t even go there.

. Complete acceptance and nurture – a mother is naturally wired to offer these.

. A human mother can never be the epitome of motherhood – each of us have flaws; lets accept that and move on

. Separate your human mother from your idea of motherhood

. If you have mother-wound and think your mother was not enough for you in nurture, care, attention, find out which areas of life area affected by this feeling

. Tend to these areas of your life with self-parenting. Self-mothering techniques – nurture yourself

. Find a proxy mom for areas of your life where you think need support for growth –  mostly a mentor or a coach.

. Acknowledge the mother inside you and see what are you nurturing and growing

. Mothers are human and also carry wounds and flaws – accept your mom and she accepts you, unconditionally.

On Being Your Own Mom

Motherhood is perhaps so complicated because it is loaded with expectations and many times mothers fall in the danger of extremes of being over-caring or negligent mothers. What is a well-balanced role for a mother then? To fall somewhere in the middle – a golden mean – to care enough but not smother, to teach enough but leave room for self-growth; to nurture but also teach self-reliance. Motherhood is about unconditional love and complete acceptance.

Is There A Perfect Mother?

A mother has no choice, but to accept the child as is. This is where trust builds and this is why a critical mother often both hurts and harms a child and impedes their growth. Motherhood is about nurture and education – nurturing the child until the child becomes independent and self-reliant and free to seek a world of his own. Is there an ideal mother? The mother who tread this line of fine balance and never flounders? I suspect – specially because there are so many sides of us that a human mother may unknowingly fail to discover and nurture a child to the best, despite her intentions.


The Selflove Blog

Who needs Monday motivation?

We all know about the Monday work motivation – what about a Monday selflove motivation?

In my podcast on building self-trust

Let’s begin

Setting three big goals for yourself and three for each day? What are the three big goals you can achieve this week? Say for me, I would like to organize my papers and put the winter clothes away and read at least two good e-books.

Zero down

Boiling down to today, I will zero down on three activities that will help me push forward to those three bigger goals for the week. I would look up the two books I really want to pick up today and may be start reading one tonight – that’s goal number one, done for the day. I will take out my winter clothes and pile them up so I can later sort them tomorrow – that’s job number two done. Three, I will start researching for the coming podcast which I create each weekend. So those are three goals I want to achieve today to set things in motion for the week.

Small steps

Small actions like these keep me going. Whenever a big task looms, try and make bite sized tasks and before you know, it will be done.

Check back

As the day rolls, you will be bombarded by distractions – it is something that normally happens to us when we set a goal. But make sure you get to tick mark all your goals tonight! That’s how we show commitment to ourselves. That’s selflove.

The Selflove Blog

Who Determines Your Worth?

When a crisis hits, as it has now – the first thing that gets affected is ‘value’ – What is your value – at work – what is your value, in relationships – to people you spend time with. But this sort of value is about what utility you are bringing to the other person’s life – are you a support to their aspirations and wellbeing? Are your fuelling their dreams or even escape?

Self-worth at work

At workplace – it is about what you are contributing or what is being extracted from you – what is your cost-effectiveness, so, it basically just boils down to some bare bone facts.

People face all of this from time to time in their lives – but it is perhaps now a glaring global truth – the big question of what is your value. You can coach yourself to calibrate your true value.

So what Is my value? Is it about how useful I am to you to cater to your needs? About how much I fuel your aspiration or your expectations?

Do I make you laugh, feel good or aid your success?

Yes if this is a professional setting with defined expectations for which you are paid.

Self-worth and relationships

But in personal space, what is your value? In the personal space, your value is determined by familiarity, shared values – compassion, love, safety and goodwill.

What is your personal growth journey. What do you score in the selflove department?

So, your selflove score determines your self-worth score

. It Is Time To Measure Your True Worth

. No one can make your feel redundant without your permission

. Others value you depending on their needs and wants – that has nothing to do with who you are

. Your value to a person and organisation can change when it is based on transaction and the needs have either been met or not

. As long as we remain committed to ourselves, we remain invested in ourselves

. Remember, no externality  – a circumstance, a person can make me valueless or redundant

. Learn to value yourself for your true qualities – resilience, cheerfulness, joy, commitment, purpose, honesty, transparency, courage.

. What are your qualities which you are proud of?

. The only one who determines your worth is YOU.

For more selflove inspiration – tune into the podcast.